Understanding Violence in Women - An Attempt

Recently I have been very actively writing blogs to an extent realizing that I am enjoying this very much. Further adding to my enthusiasm I created a page so that people know that I am serious about writing. There have been a few loyal friends who have been reading, commenting, agreeing and disagreeing with my views but all in a healthy way. A dear friend ‘Dr (Mrs )USD’ posed a question about my thoughts on movies like Gulabi Gang, Revolver Rani, in a way she wanted to know about the ‘violent streak in women’. I promised her that I will come up with my thoughts in the form of a blog. So concocting this blog has been a bit tough for me as the topic is serious, thought provoking and needs understanding of psychology behind the violent streak. I am into writing something that categorizes as ‘feel good’ but I decided to come up with something sensible not because I promised USD but it was a challenge for me to push my limits, compelled me to come out of my comfort zone. 

I thought hard that what violence means to me. How would I define violence? Unable to come up with a proper definition but can visualize violence. I can relate violence with physical power, anger, hatred, agony and destruction. The batterer causes intentional physical damage (injury or death), psychological damage (threat, diffidence) to the battered. To simplify this, a person who is violent has to be powerful to harm someone (weak) physically first and then psychologically. Is ‘Violence’ gender specific? If violence is associated with power then it can or has to be gender specific. It is said that Men are from Mars and Women from Venus. Mars represents anger, power and so does Man. The society, be it Indian or any other has always been dominated by Men – aggressive, strong, powerful. On the other hand Venus which represents Women is calm, soothing, and quiet. Women are not strong, powerful physically as Men are but they are emotionally strong, composed. I have no answer to why always in our society Man has been on the giving end and Woman on the receiving!?

I would like to mention that there have been well known social reformers in India who have toiled hard to bring in gender equality in the Indian society but we need more active reformers. I now shift my focus on Violence in Women – fairly based on my observation as a child, teenager and now a woman in the Indian Society. I completely understand and accept any contradictions to my thoughts. 

Power and strength has been misused by Man leading to mistreatment of Woman by physically abusing her (domestic violence), Injury or Death (Gang rapes). India is known for its diversity, different cultures, customs, traditions, languages but all unanimously agree on an unwritten rule that Man is the whole and sole head of the family, he knows all and is always right. A Man is bestowed with these qualities by birth. Does being a Woman mean that one has to be compromising, understanding, subdued always? I classify Women in two sects

Scenario in weaker sect:

There are families especially categorized as below poverty line where the bread earner is a Woman. She works as a maid, on construction sites or anything that can earn her a meal or two for her family. The Man (husband) from such families finds prestige in drinking alcohol, physically abusing their respective wives only because he is powerful. Women bear all this for the sake of her children and there is no much support from the society to stop such abuse. What happens to the Women? The weaker commit suicide and the stronger survive but they have to live with this abuse throughout their lives.

In such situations violent, agitated females like Phoolan Devi (Bandit Queen), Sampat Lal Devi (of Gulabi Gang) arise with uncommon heroism. They were not born as rebellions but were made. They were normal girls who fantasized a normal life but were married at a very young age to a much older Man. They faced marital mistreatments left them embittered. Caught between a desire to lead a normal life and a brutal society these females were left with no choice. ‘Die or Survive’ and they chose to survive but not as a sufferer anymore. They are the rebels, insurgents that the society has created who carried the flag of heroism and called a war against all such brutal Men in the society who made life miserable for the Women. Phoolan Devi was supposedly worshipped as an incarnation of Durga Devi. Sampat Pal Devi’s Gulabi Gang has tens of thousands of women today who look after several issues related to women other than of physical mistreatment. Can we state that the cause in gender discrimination?

Making of Phoolan or Sampat is a process which can be compared to making of a ‘Sword’. A natural human tendency and Women are no exception. The more you try to suppress them the more stronger they will emerge.

Scenario in educated, financially independent sect:

Does only physical abuse cause the damage?

Women from the urban civilization are educated, financially secure-independent. The abuse they face may not necessarily be physical. Being educated, well read, informed they are not prone to physical abuse but may face domestic violence in an indirect form which hampers their psychological balance. I personally feel that psychological imbalance  is more harmful. Psychological imbalance means threat, diffidence which makes a woman incompetent and weaker in the society. Women belonging to this category can make their choices of living alone where she does not have to face this harassment. The financial security she has, gives her the freedom to make her own choices. She may not transform into a Phoolan Devi or Sampat Pal but seek legal advice and come out of all this unscathed physically but invisible bruises.

My thoughts in brief:
Women should respect themselves first. Parents should try to modify the upbringing of a girl child by teaching her how she can maintain her own self respect, dignity and stand up for her own defence. 

She needs and deserves more respect. The way she is looked at in our society needs a serious reform. The unwritten rules should be wiped out and there should be gender equality. One should realize that she is made of cells, blood, and flesh that can feel physical pain; she has a sensitive soul, heart which can be bruised by harsh words – this makes her the most beautiful creation of GOD. Let us all treat her with love, dignity, respect which has been due.

A humble request to all Mums :

Teach your sons to respect every WOMAN, teach them to be sensitive towards every WOMAN they come across, teach them to bring in a twinkle of dignity when they see any WOMAN.

A WOMAN is like an ocean with waves of emotions….if tortured, disturbed limitlessly can bring in a tsunami. After all, water in excess acts like a poison. 

P.S: I know that I have only mentioned about Women but with no intention to generalize that all Men are violent causing abuse to Women. The act of bringing balance, reform in the society is only possible with equal contribution by Men

Himmatwala...Twisted

Saturday afternoon and it is drizzling outside. The weather is almost perfect for some Adrak chai and onion bhajjis. Sanju is waiting for Rachel to arrive and so will have a company to enjoy some chai and bhajjis. Sanju (Sanjay Kamat) is born and brought up in Bombay aka Mumbai and is in London for last 3 years. He is passionate about Art and Drama. His love and passion drove him to London where he met Rachel; a sweet, smart girl who is passionate about Arts and Drama. She is down to earth and never gives those looks to anyone..the typical of looks of being a Londoner and I know everything! Well moving ahead, Sanju and Rachel have a project to submit about ‘Does Bollywood represents India?’ Sanju is shortlisting the recent releases and will offer Rachel a choice to pick a movie today. Looking at the clock, he picks up his I-phone to call up Rachel but suddenly rings the intercom. It is Rachel who is waiting down and Sanju lets her in. They greet each other she questions, “Which movie today? I am in a mood to watch a masala movie today!” Sanju is surprised to learn that Rachel is aware of the term ‘Masala Movie’. She looks at him and says, “Everything from India has to be about Masala – after all Indian Spices are so famous”…and then they heartily laugh.

Quickly Sanju prepares some Adrak Chai and opens a pack of half fried, frozen Onion Bhajjis. Shoves them in the oven and asks Rachel to pick up a movie. Going through the list, she is struck at the poster pic of ‘Himmatwala – Ajay Devgn and Tamanna starrer’. She declares I want to watch this movie – it is a Masala movie. Sanju is straining the hot, steamy, flavour Adrak Chai into the mugs and listening to her choice he can’t help saying ‘S*%$!!’. He quickly gets the tea and Bhajjis, he is no more interested in having them while watching a flop buster but he can’t deny either. Finally with their pen and notepads to make notes about the movie they watch. Rachel is super excited to watch it and she is in complete awe of Adrak Chai and Onion Bhajjis..it is still drizzling outside.  With their earphones they start the movie. 

Sanju’s notes in brief: 

I have no memories of the 1983's Himmatwala but this remake with Ajay Devgn is definitely the worst, pathetic. Everyone who has watched this movie should be awarded for their bravery, tolerance, ignorance and patience. I really don't know why I even agreed to watch this movie but I am regretting this decision of mine. Bollywood produces the maximum number of movies in the entertainment sector around the world but why don't they have a quality check? I felt so very sad for Sajid Khan and I very well know how it must have felt to be a director of such a disgusting outcome. Super solid star-cast, super sexy Heroine, Super star Hero one expects a blockbuster but this was like 'Khoda Pahad and Nikla Chuha'. Well let me stop criticising the movie now, I know how much the entire team must be repenting by being a part of it and I pay my condolences to the entire team and to the viewers (like me) who are disappointed, hurt after watching this ERROTIC movie!!

Sanju was very sure that Rachel too is gonna regret watching this movie. More than that he was concerned what would Rachel’s opinion be about Bollywood? Will she write it off as too melodramatic to be digested? Will she favour Hollywood over Bollywood? Will she think that Bollywood is rubbish, glittery and backward which means is India –Indian cinema is backward?

Rachel is a sensible girl. She lives on her own and her parents separated when she was 7. She sometimes lived with her Father and his girlfriend while sometimes with her Mum & her Mum’s husband. She loves Bollywood as it shows so much of togetherness, warmth and culture. 

Rachel’s notes in brief:

Every coin has 2 sides and so does every movie! Let us take a note of the positive impact it had on me....I know it needs patience and I can guarantee that you too will enjoy reading this and if you don't then do watch Himmatwala....you won't agree more that reading my post is thousand times better than watching that movie.

This movie falls in the genre of drama packed with emotions. I yet learning about genres but at least this was a family drama for me. After pushing my limits I could foresee something which was human, real, earthy and very Indian. Whether the movie does a good business or does it enter the 100 crore club is another matter but to me this movie certainly showed that there still is humanity amongst fellow Indians irrespective of any caste and creed. 

1) Movie opens with a fighting scene. Definitely Hero has to win (same in Bolly and Holly) proving that one who is portrayed strong doesn't always win but an honest man with right attitude and heart full love (jigar) can do anything and everything impossible. Somewhere in the movie the Hero takes over the Tiger and the later runs for his life....Bravo Hero!

2) Even today there prevails a relation known as friendship wherein there are no vested interests. It is a pure emotion and they are soul mates, brothers. The use and throw attitude hasn't crept in yet. India still cherishes relationships. I am so touched to see the daughter and mother duo who are very poor but yet live together fighting the odds.

3) Your friend’s family is your family. Where would you find this? In true sense people disown their poor, disabled parents but this movie still gives me a message which is praise worthy. India is about caring, loving everyone equally.

4) Your true friend loves you selflessly. His happiness is yours and your sorrows are his. He is never interested in your bank balance but always wants to treasure your dreams. You dream and he achieves.

5) Indians are still very emotional and have sentiments for their cultural beliefs. I appreciated the Raksha Bandhan scene in the movie where a brother is happily ready to protect her sister from all evil. Glad that there still is lot of depth, respect, affection and purity in this relation. We in the western world need Mother’s day, Father’s day to spend together.

6) The highlight point according to me was the punishment the Hero gives to the goons (Gundas) who attempts rape on the hero's sister. He truly abides by the rules of Rakhi. It is high time that the society should start punishing such morons who have made life miserable and impossible for the Women in the Indian society. Women in the Indian society needs more respect and there should be more work done for women empowerment. I didn’t like the way the women is tortured.

7) Opposites attract and spoilt Heroine falls in love with the Hero against her father's wish. All of a sudden this girl transforms to well behaved, fully clad- wearing very Indian attires from a boisterous, sexy girl with skimpy clothes. This yet proves a woman loves to give up everything for someone she loves and there is something known as LOVE which compels one to leave the wrong for right, teaches to accept your faults and improve them which is what the Heroine does.

8) An Indian father is worried about his unmarried daughter who is pregnant. The day when a girl is born in a family, constantly the parents are worried about her secure future. To me this is so touching. I wish if the parents here would be a little protective about their kids.

9) Coming to the end of the movie...the director has touched to the core belief in god or rather goddess...Mata Sherawali. This point is no fun as Indians heavily rely on God/Goddess. She sends her tiger to rescue the Hero from the goons very much proving that the good kills the evil. We have lost the faith and have moved to practicality but the Indians haven’t!

10) Last and not the least...All is well that Ends well. Hero takes over the village as a Chief which again shows that good defeats evil. All iz Well.

Rachel’s view: Yes the Bollywood represents India in the above mentioned ways. I haven’t ever been to India but this movie gives me a strong message that what India is to the world. I only request the Indians – not to change the way they are, don’t be plastic and over practical because they are the mascots for Humanity!

Sanju is absolutely stunned and speechless after reading Rachel’s notes and so am I! 

Trupti’s take:

So, friends I hope you enjoyed a different perspective of this superduper flop movie Himmatwala. I strongly believe in one thing, you can learn from anything and everything. Nothing is a waste....watching a sci-fi movie is altogether a different experience but watching a rustic, earthy hindi movie too is necessary. It keeps you grounded, brings you back to the reality and reminds you of who you are and what you are. I finally take this opportunity to thank Director Sajid Khan for making such a wonderful masterpiece and also to Rachel for her precious notes....sigh!

Undefined Happiness....

It was on a Friday morning, 4^th April 2014. I clearly remember the day. There is something very special about some days or some days are really special. Friday brings in a stream of happiness as it is the last day of the working week and a sense of relaxation runs within us. The sheer idea of sleeping late and waking up late next day with no work pressure, no rush is enough for me to enjoy. I eagerly wait for Friday evening…on my way back home everything seems wonderful and lively and there it is, I see Saturday hiding and smiling at me with a promise that it will bring along loads of fun. Anyway let’s not get too carried away and focus on Friday Morning. Well KS (husband) was in London for some work and I had to drop AS (daughter) to the nursery. She was in deep sleep when KS left and hence when she woke up she was looking for her dear Papa…checking behind the doors and going towards the main door with a hope that her Papa might come in!

With great efforts I dressed her up after giving her a shortcut bath. Yes ‘shortcut bath’ is my term which happens from Mon-Fri and ‘leisure tub bath’ on Sat & Sun. AS enjoys tub bath and every child of her age does. Dressed up in pink she looked pretty. So pretty that I cuddled her and kissed her…:*. She has a dense tuff of hair which is dark, silky and shiny. They look amazing and added to As’s charm. Suddenly I came up with an idea to tie ponies of her beautiful hair. I am glad..I thought…I did and it looked amazingly cute. My cute little AS with two ponies, new set of teeth which made her look like a cute little rabbit was looking fabulous, adorable, kissable, huggable and every inch of a Diva that day. It wasn’t that easy to make her sit while I was styling her hair as toddlers are difficult to manage and once they are on their legs they don’t want to sit. There she was standing in between, moving her head which meant she didn’t want those ponies on her head, pulling the comb, stretching the rubber band but I didn’t give up. To distract her I sang some rhymes, played some rhymes on the tablet (thanks to the technology, it is a boon for mother’s to distract the kids. I am not in the favour of kids getting used/addicted to technology but I was OK today). It made me think for a while – am I bribing her? The problem with me is I think too much!!

Finally it worked. As the Ba-ba-blacksheep started she forgot everything that was going with her hair and was engrossed in watching the rhymes. Happy me!! Without wasting a single minute I tied two ponies. I recollected that my mother called them ‘juttu’. I then saw AS’s face and there she was so cute…I kissed her. Clicked her photograph’s….an overly obsessed Mum I am! Mum’s in 21^st century are smitten by clicking photographs and uploading them or treasuring. They probably want to capture every moment of their growing kid. After having achieved this I was extremely happy. Sent the pics to KS through Whatsapp (again technology ki jai ho!). He called me back and I could sense how happy KS was looking at her cute snaps. That call by him which was full of happiness made me happy..it was too infectious to escape. I was madly looking at her and every time I looked at her I felt I was happier than before. I could not really define that happiness which definitely is a normal thing for others but rewarding for parents to see how beautifully their baby comes to the world and then grows so beautiful day by day. I also compared her snap in those 2 juttu’s with my childhood snap to find the similarity. To me she looked the most gorgeous. I called up my mum to tell her and she said that to her I was the most gorgeous in ‘2 juttu’s’. Isn’t this fascinating that for a Mum her baby is the most beautiful and gorgeous?!

She is our most prized possession and has got so much of happiness in our lives. Happiness which can be felt but can’t be expressed in words and hence I say happiness undefined. There is something strange about such undefined happiness…it is unforgettable, long lasting. I kept on looking at her snaps for the whole day, those 2 juttu's were my fountains of HAPPINESS..:) 

                                  

AS loves being clicked with 2 Juttu's

TS - AS's mum

Cute little AS with her Juttu's aka Fountains of happiness

Identity Crisis?

The house is full of friends and family. Every corner of the house has been decorated with garlands of flowers.and tiny bulbs which have added to the beauty of the bunglow. It almost feels that stars have landed on earth for Pooja’s wedding. Groups of guests are seen spread all over the house- chit-chats, banters-laughs everything unlimited. The air smells flowers, lovely sweet dishes, loads of samosas and crispy kachori’s accompanied with masala chai and masala milk. A typical Indian wedding atmosphere that is so full of colors, aroma, people, and livelihood. Indian weddings are one of the highlights of our culture. One of the important turning points of our life is marriage for some it may not be as in today’s world there are hardly who believe in this institution. Pooja is a sweet, confident and smart girl with a degree in economics. She has been a University topper and has high aspirations for a bright career. After the wedding she will move to the States with her husband. She is right now nervous and happy rather experiencing a whirlpool of emotions. Leaving all the known, loved ones behind she is heading towards a future which is unknown yet appealing. She wants to travel to her future but she has to leave her past. Everything will change her name, her relations her life and even more ‘herself!’ The toughest task would be bidding adieu to her past, her parents mainly and everyone whom she loves. She is in her room, very quiet engrossed in her own self. Trying to figure out the change She met Raghav through common friends and then bloomed their love story and with acceptances from both the families they are getting married. So she knows the person in and out with whom she has decided to spend her own life but yet there is a hitch. What is it? Suddenly disturbed by the knock on the door, she almost misses her heart beat and with her palm on her heart she opens the door to find her loving Grandma standing there wearing a warm smile. She melts in her Grandma’s arms and starts sobbing. Grandma knows that these are all pre-marital jitters and sits down with her to soothe her. Pooja wiping her eyes and nose says “ Ammu, were you scared when you got married? Were you ready for this big change which was to change your name –your identity? Hence forth I will be known as Mrs Raghav…I don’t want to lose my identity!’. After posing this question Pooja looks at her Ammu for the answer. She knows she will get one.

To this question she first smirked and looked at me...held my hand and very gently massaged it with hers. With lots of memories in her eyes she started telling me her story.

Grandma: I had no much choice about my marriage. Your grandfather’s family was the first to have proposed for marriage and it was happily accepted The elders decided and I accepted. They knew what was right for me and I happily accepted their decision. It was from a very young age when we were taught that we are born here but belong to someone and one fine day that someone would come and take me along with him. I lived in that fantasy getting my doll married to my friend’s male doll, sent my doll away and it never felt odd. It was natural as though it was nature’s law. I was taught to be accomplished in household duties, taught to care for elders, respect them and never utter a single word in front of them. I never saw your grandfather until the day we married. That time was different and nobody ever asked me whether I wanted to marry? Did I like the bride-groom? I never felt that I needed an identity to live. Neither had I bothered nor did anyone else thought about changing surname make such a big difference to my identity. In fact after so many years of togetherness with your grandfather I realized that he was my identity. The day I lost him I lost my identity. After all this explanation she looked into my eyes with that witty smile on her face, she said to me, “I accepted your grandfather and everything related to him. There were never any issues about right-wrong, ego but yes we had self-respect and that is more important than identity. There are many important issues in life rather than thinking about loss in identity by changing name.”

 Pooja was speechless and this discussion with Grandma was enough to set a storm of thoughts in her but she got her answer. About to ask her next question she saw her mom coming in and soon there were three generations speaking about identity crisis!  Pooja’s mom could sense that she was disturbed. Pooja turned to her mom, rested her head in Mom’s lap. The moment she did so, she was out of the storm, her lap is the best place in the world-so serene, peaceful. Mom started.gently running her fingers in Pooja’s hair and started putting her words together.

Mom: I was the eldest of all and was considered to be responsible for my every act. Baba (Pooja’s grandfather) gave me the right education and teachings about everything. He gave me the freedom of expression when required. He always supported me when I rejected a marriage proposal as he knew I never took disadvantage of the freedom bestowed. As a growing girl child I saw him as a caring husband. He never treated Maa (Pooja’s grandma) as a slave or with disrespect. This is when I learnt that having respect in a relation is the most important. He realized the sacrifices Maa made for him and he always made sure that she gets her due respect. Today I am the Principal of a school and I know the world better now but then as a growing child I knew what to expect from my husband. Rajesh (Pooja’s father) has been a wonderful husband, partner. We saw many ups and downs in our life but we faced them with one identity. I never realized the necessity to retain my own identity that is because Rajesh never forced anything on me. I accepted myself as Mrs Rajesh because I liked being addressed so. By nature Man and Woman are of different temperaments. Man is more aggressive and Woman is sober. They are with 2 different energy levels and the best happens when they strike a balance. So, if I took a back step doesn’t mean that I was inferior or had no say but I thought this was the best solution. Looking at Pooja, she said there will be more real things which you will face as a couple and then you will realize that there is nothing like individual identity-everything is based on how well you know each other, accepted each other as Man & Woman. Your love, commitment is to each other is what matters, rest all are petty issues.

Pooja seemed very settled with all these explanations and philosophy. She was ready to face the change named ‘Marriage’. A 21^st century girl but yet confused about her identity. Will Pooja Rajesh Mehta accept herself as Pooja Raghav Joshi?

If I were Pooja, I would happily have taken Raghav’s name. As I know everyone accepts this officially but find a problem to accept this publicly. Whatever I change my name to but I will always be a daughter to my parents, a sister to my brother, a grand-daughter to my grandma. In science my Blood, my DNA is my identity, the good deeds I do is my identity, the right way of living I inculcate in my kids is my identity. Let us not complicate life anymore with such petty issues, there is much more value to our life.

Remember; everything good and sensible in this world is ONLY due to Woman and why does she need an identity? She is just like water – takes the shape of a container but never loses her form-her identity!

P.S: I am Trupti Jamalpure-Sharma on social networking site only because my school and college friends weren't able to find me on the net with the name Trupti Sharma....but officially and whole heartedly I am Mrs Trupti Kamendra Sharma...:)

Just a thought...

With no second thoughts I sometimes agree to great philosophers.  I am not sure who said this but peace, joy, happiness lies in small things. There have been many incidences where I felt this sheer joy but couldn't really explain, why? Have you experienced the same? A sight of a beautiful butterfly on a sunny morning, feeling the dew when you walk on the grass bare footed, watching a sunrise or a sunset and many more. Don't such events just take few moments of your life and give you a broad smile on your face with a bonus feel good factor. I would never trade this amazing feeling with anything under the sun. Nothing materialistic, so pure and pious it almost cleanses ones soul. Do you agree? And yes you can experience such a high at anytime!

It is 9 pm and I too experienced something very pure, pious. After a busy day I came home and was treated so special by K. He cooked some yummy pasta (he cooks world's best pasta) and served to me-hot-cheesy-stringy-yummy. I just loved it. It was a quick by satiating dinner. 'A' (daughter) gave me a lovely smile and all my fatigue was gone. Soon it was her sleeping time. I was too tired to put her to sleep but I managed. At times being a working Mom is the most difficult challenge! I was just moving my hand on her body and she was off to sleep. Her eyes closed, her eyelids so black and curled. Her tiny little nose as cute as teddy..made me wonder to whom do they resemble in our family? Her arms around my neck...they say their arms around the most precious necklace and yes they are. Their arms make you feel responsible, make you feel the importance of your presence in their life. Her little fingers moving around my ear...so soothing after a busy day! I just love that touch, warmth, tickle and the feeling of belonging to someone special. To top this amazing feeling she put her leg on my leg. I felt the trust she has in me. Wow how does she trust me so much? She does know that I won't ever move her leg instead I started massaging her leg thinking she must be too tired trying to walk these days. Moving my hand from her leg I reached her hair...so soft as cotton ball. Looked at her face with so much of content within me, these lovely eyes-soft cheeks-small chin-cute lips....a chubby face...whom does she look like? Started searching my reflection in her face...

Being a mother is so rewarding. Apart from some low moments it does bring back that smile on your face which was lost somewhere.  I would not definitely trade my precious motherhood feelings for anything. They are my assets which will live forever with me. I don't know if I could ever pass it on to her but somethings are best when experienced....isn't it? I am sure most of the Mom's have experienced this. Once again I agree that small things bring joy and my little sunshine 'A' is my joy! Have you ever experienced such peace, joy...treasure it always....these actually give us the reason to live!

Yummy Mummy...Are you?

Yummy Mummy…does that make any sense?

It has been long time since I wrote something. Again, this time I did not intend to write anything sensible as I am too tired to think something ‘sensible’. I stumbled upon a page about Yummy Mummy with images of our Bollywood mummies. I always knew 'Mummy cooks Yummy food' but never knew that she also can be Yummy! So the list of Yummy Mummy includes Karishma Kapoor (super cool), Malaika Arora Khan (extremely yummilicious), Shilpa Shetty (too hot to handle), Sonali Bendre (sweetest Yummy Mummy) and if there are any more then I am unaware. The list of not so Yummy Mummy a few months ago was topped by Miss World 1994.

Being a Mummy myself actually makes me feel closely related to a title like this. Is it really worth to even try being one of them? Does a woman or a mother need to succumb to these pressures of looking absolutely yummy with an hourglass figure always? I am a mother to a one year old daughter and I don’t deny that I too hated my body after delivery. I almost looked pregnant for the second time with a new born baby! I could feel that I no longer look the same as I looked before pregnancy. It did take me a while to adjust with the fact that my body will take its own sweet time to regain normalcy. With a third degree tear during my daughter's birth I was not bothered about my looks, my weight for almost 3 months. I lived a life of Zombie with no routine. It all depended on the baby. After 3 months I started feeling a bit settled with motherhood and could think about something else. I also liked reading to the e-mails from baby center about the weekly development of the baby. Life was so simple spending the entire day with 'her' with absolute no worries about science-research…absolutely nothing to an extent that I got an haircut after a year and half and shaped my eyebrows after 4 months! Thanks to a dear friend who took an initiative of taking me out..

The internet plays an important role of feeding you with some nonsense at times. With so much of confusing articles one gets lost in the internet world. Then suddenly popped an e-mail from baby center about ‘fitting in your previous pair of jeans’. That was the moment where I got nervous and suddenly started thinking of my overweight. I wasn’t too much actually, only 4 kilos but there is some different change in the way the body looks after the baby is born.I don’t know what exactly the difference is but the new mother looks bloated. I was no exception (thankfully I still fit into my previous pair of jeans). Being in UK added more to the fire as the new mother’s here start.meeting over coffee’s, lunch, shopping and they look absolutely stunning like a super model with all the make up. From where the hell do they manage to smudge that make up on their faces? I never had that on my mind. Looking beautiful or attractive was something I never thought until lately I reminded myself I am an Indian mother and I am different! I cook everyday and don’t buy take aways , I have to wash a heap of utensils everyday, my baby doesn’t have formula milk  and…and…and I am an Indian Mom after all! Months passed and it got busier and busier with no time to looks at myself with no time to think about Karisma, Lara, Shilpa.

There was a news (non-sense internet scoop yet again) where Aishwarya Rai Bachchan was compared to Lara Dutta and Shilpa Shetty (contemporary Mom’s). In that piece of news was a link to Shilpa Shetty’s diet to regain the original figure. After reading that I realized that it is almost impossible for a Mother like me; who is not a celebrity with good money and cannot afford that lifestyle. I neither have any support to look after my baby when I hit the gym nor do I have a cook who cooked all the diet food and presented me the platter everyday! I cannot simply afford that extravagant lifestyle and to be noted she doesn’t have to cook-wash the utensils, no laundry, no other household stuff to do. Our lifestyles/priorities are completely different So this stupid stuff was out of my mind by now and I felt happier .I stopped thinking about the calories with that dollop of ghee on my daal-rice, melting butter on my hot paneer parathas..everything was so guilt free though full of calories. Very recently I again happened to watch an interview by Aishwarya Rai Bachchan about her weight issues and she said something really sensible, every ‘body’ is different and it reacts differently under the given circumstances. One should respect the way their body has reacted to a given condition and that is when I realized that she spoke it right! At last there was someone who meant what she spoke.

Almost all the mother’s (Indian Mom's) wake up early along with their kids who take tuitions or study early morning. They love being there with their kids at every moment rather than going for a walk or gym. They like dropping their kids to various dance classes, painting classes, football coaching, cricket coaching and many more extra curricular activity centres. I know people who laugh on obese females but they don’t know the fact that most of the Indian women gain weight post-pregnancy. A woman gives a family the happiness in the form of a child, she undergoes tremendous pain which cannot be compared to any other pain. She sacrifices her hobbies and likes for the baby but yet she has to face this sarcasm. I am sure that there are females who don’t like to get their pictures clicked post pregnancy and also feel embarrassed to share their pics with someone. I did start eating healthy, making salad lunches, eating more fruits but at the end of the day I felt exhausted as I had to so much which needed a lot of energy. This is when I realized staying fit is more important than following something crazy.

We the Indian Mother’s want to give the best to our families and this comes first before everything and anything. My love for my family is selfless and I don’t care if I am not a Yummy Mummy anymore but the best thing would be if I could strike a balance of both. I am trying to do that…are you? So there is no harm in being a Mummy who cooks Yummy food.

Being in a good shape is absolutely fantastic but don’t lose your mind, sleep over it….accept the way you look and do what makes you happy. Being fit and healthy is good for you and your family. Hey all you Mum’s – are you having enough of vit. D, E, C , calcium levels, Hb count?

P.S: In my early teens I felt that I looked ugly –stout and dark,

       In my 20’s I felt a bit more fat

       In my 30’s I am fatter, trying to look young

       In my 40’s I am charmless with more pounds and feel that I looked the most beautiful in my teens…

      Anonymous

Enjoy every moment and Enjoy Motherhood.

Total Siyappa!

The joy of reading is overwhelming to me. I like to smell the book, to rustle the pages and go deep in the story. I read and start imagining it literally. The characters are all alive and almost there in front of me performing, crying, laughing, speaking, dancing. It is a beautiful experience rather journey…from the first page to the last. I don't have a make-up kit, sunglasses, deo in my jhola but one would always find a book these days. Being in a foreign land where people are marooned in their ipads, kindle’s….always tucked in is their headphones and are surfing the internet…they are VVIP and I am certainly not! I have time to glance outside the windowpane and enjoy the journey, to think about something important or for that matter to do nothing. If possible start a conversation with elderly people on the bus or trains. They are the people who love talking as they never had mobiles, ipads, kindles ever during their days. So anyway I am the least important, lost soul and then no one to talk….I prefer carrying a book to read rather than listening to music. It was in the last week when I finished with a book ‘Baby Proof’ by Emily Griffin. I remember how I was in a hurry and picked this book with no idea how entertaining it would be. Let me introduce to the main characters Ben and Claudia based in the US. They fall in love after series of serious relationships and finally exchange vows. The interesting part of their marriage is they both don’t want children. Simply unconventional. Well this made me think, did I ever have that clause in my mind? Claudia is a well-known writer on a good post and is very happy with her professional life. She thinks that she doesn’t have the gene which generates a feeling of motherhood. I admired Claudia as a woman who is so firm on her thoughts.

How many of our Indian women can say this to their families? If she says so she would be the last person to get married. Everyone would look at her suspiciously as though she has some psychological disorder. Our society has definite plan for everyone. For a girl then doctor, teacher, lecturer, software engineer are the best professions for her. Before she realizes her dreams the relatives (not her parents) start discussing about how grown up she looking and how she might prove a perfect match to XYZ’s son. I know parents and I am very happy to see that they want their daughters to be independent first and then get married. The neighbours, distant relatives try to show their deepest concerns about the wedding bells. These discussions are on peak when one happens to attend a wedding. You always see a group of elderly females sitting and chatting about everything under the sun. Something like this 

A1: With the plate in her hand she says, ‘the food was good but not great. I would have liked if they had some more varieties of sweets. Anyway the couple looks good but the girl should have been a bit fairer. What do you all think?’

A2: Nodding her head and in unison with A1’s opinion, ‘It is not the traditional food. In our times it used to be so traditional and there is no one to come and see if you needed something. No respect these days…I don’t like attending weddings these days’ eating her last gulab jamun she says, ‘I heard that they have given a lot of jewellery and also have booked a flat in the name of bride-groom. Nowadays it is all about money, kaala-gora koi nahi dekhta’.

A3: ‘Yeah true. It is only money that matters. For instance, do you see that girl in the blue dress?’ All of them raise their heads and some also get up to see the girl in the crowd.

A1: Very inquisitively replies, ‘I can see, she is pretty and fair. Who is she?’

A3: Not so happily says, ‘She is my first cousin R’s youngest daughter. I don’t know what she is studying’. I asked her once, ‘she says she wants to do a PhD and then do some research’. Now you tell me at that age who will marry her? She will be 30, her looks will not be so attractive and I also know that PhD’s don’t earn much. Look at the bride, she is 26 years old and is a software Engineer.

A4: After eating almost everything on her platter she says, ‘this is how parents these days are spoiling their daughters. They are giving them freedom and treating like boys. My grand-daughter too wants to go to the US for further studies. But I have warned my son that she cannot until she is married. How can she be on her own all alone?’

A1: Passes on some mouth freshener’s to all and pops one in her mouth. Bending in the centre so that no one should listen to her, she whispers ‘I have also heard that there is some disturbance in between Mr and Mrs P about making a baby. Mrs P has gone to her mother’s place due to this matter and is firm that she isn’t ready for a baby. A growing trend about having children in later stages of marriage. Girls don’t want to be caged in responsibilities these days’.

This is how it goes on and on. I experienced such questions often during PhD. One of my distant cousins came to me and said, ‘Why are you so obsessed about PhD? Leave it, get married and complete it from wherever your husband takes you.’ I thought of explaining her that I can’t leave my 2 years of work which I have already invested. Rather than to anyone, it is a self-commitment and I have to stand by it. I just smiled at her and said, ‘Relax Di, I will get married before your daughter does.’ She gave me a strange look and I almost remembered that song..Naa Jaane kahan se aayi hain, naa jaane kahan ko jayegi…yeh ladki!!

After being married for 4 years I was on the train to Solapur from Pune and I met a group of ladies – conservative ladies. They started talking to me.

L1: ‘Solapur ki ho?’

Me: ‘Haan. Mummy-Papa Solapur mein hain aur main Pune mein’.

L2: ‘Sasural Pune mein hain?’

L3: ‘Shaadi ko kitne saal hog aye?’

Me:‘Sasural Ajmer ka hain. Shaadi ko 4 saal.’

L1: ‘4 saal ho gaye aur abhi bachcha nahi? Kuch problem hain kya? Doctor ko dikhaya?’

Me: Awkwardly replied, ‘hum log abhi padh rahe hain. Bachcha nahi chahiye.’

L2: ‘Shaadi ke baad jitni jaldi hoga utna acha nahit toh bahot problem aate hain. Meri Bhaanji abhi    treatment le rahi hain. Tumhe Doctor ka naam aur address doon kya?’

They were feeling so pity for me and desperately wanted me to have a baby. If they were magicians I would have had a baby in my lap at that very moment....Aaabraa Ka Daabraa and Choooo...lo bacha aa gaya!!

But will they be coming for babysitting when we would be off to our labs for the whole day? Will they look after when the baby is ill and I have experiments running the whole day and night? Will they cook for our baby when we sometimes managed to live on the canteen food? Will they pay the expenses as we managed our lives with a limited stipend? 

To my relief my phone rang and I walked away from there leaving my reserved seat.

I don’t know why people in India are so concerned about anybody’s personal life? Times have changed and we have to change. Why there are a set of rules for woman? After marriage the first thing they want to know is the ‘good news’. It is sane to know each other first and then plunge into the next responsibility. Marriage and parenthood should be out of desire and not by chance. We all at some point of time are influenced by social pressures in every decision and I am no exception. One of our very good friends here doesn’t’ want to go back to India as they are always driven mad by the question of baby.

A woman has every right to stand by her opinion. The society can’t chalk a plan and now reformation is needed. Live your life all lovely ladies before plunging into any new relation. Sing and publish an album, write a novel, trek Mount Everest, go camping. When you feel that you have done everything that you wanted and are ready for this BIG step…STEP IN!

Remember:  What seems Conventional to us now was Unconventional long ago!

Baby Proof, Women’s web inspired me to write this

Cheers!

Sound of Music

It was Wednesday evening…midday of the week. This is the day with mixed feelings. Monday is gone, Tuesday is gone. Thursday and Friday to come! So it is exactly the middle day of the working week. Happy about half the week has passed and weekend awaited eagerly. At work it was not a hectic day but strenuous though. There are some days when you feel something is wrong about this day…no reasons, no explanations. Took a bus to the station with Emilly Griffin’s Baby Proof and wanted to finish with it.  A long queue for the bus, could see dark clouds clustering but sun peeping through some. In England, mostly it gets sunny after office hours. The weather is predictably unpredictable. Rain and sun play hide and seek and we are helpless left with no choice rather than enjoying this. A girl ahead of me with burgundy coloured hair was actually pepping the gloomy weather. She was on her phone speaking to someone about how exciting her day was and that really annoyed me. A blonde behind was hopefully speaking to her BF about her sport venture and how she plans to go running after reaching home. A group of boys in their jerseys and shorts discussing about Chelsea and I was sure they were football lovers. In all everyone had a happening day perhaps me! I buried my face in the book and last 2 pages-woosh woosh....done with the book. It feels very nice when you finish reading a book almost like you have achieved your goal. It gives you a sense of accomplishment. The bus arrived and I packed the book in my Jhola. I was not hopeful about getting a place on the bus but luckily got a seat. With no clue about what to do I stared staring through the windowpane. It started raining. I wonder how once upon a time as kids we all loved rains and now it only reminds us of inconvenience. The burgundy hair lasso was seated beside me. She took her headphones out and tucked it in her ears. That reminded me of my headphones which I seldom carry as I prefer reading. I too tucked in my headphones almost feeling like a copy cat!

My playlist is not even updated and has all old songs with very few new Bollywood songs. I shuffled the playlist and played the music. The very first song was ‘Naam Gum Jayega’ – a very touching and meaningful song. Remembered how Papa told me today about the demise of one of my cousin who wasn’t very close to me but I always enjoyed talking to her..a very distinct way of taking and cracking jokes she had…Naam Gum Jayeg, Chehra yeh badal jayega meri aawaz hi pehchaan hain…beautiful, melodious. I couldn’t forget Sadhna (my cousin) throughout this song. I did make a notice that the bus was on the move after checking in everyone. Students standing and chatting, I could only see their lip moments but I was in the middle of this beautiful song. The song ended and the bus too stopped at a stop. Ek Pyar ka Nagma hain…maujo ki ravani hain was the next song. Couldn’t stop myself thinking about Ms Nanda (actress) from this song as she recently passed away. Jindagi aur kuch bhi nahi…teri meri kahani hain. How true, everyone has a Kahani to tell, Sadhna too had. Unfortunately she is no more to narrate her kahani. Sadhna’s death news was what made me sad today. She died at a young age with two kids behind. My heart goes out for her kids and right now very annoyed with God’s decision of snatching her away from her kids…so rude, unfair. Anyway the next song was Zindagi ke Safar mein gujar jaate hain jo makaam…and the bus stops at the next stop. The burgundy haired girl walks out of the bus and the seat is taken by a tall boy who has his ears pierced and with tattoos all over his hands and neck. I am back to my song…Phool khilte hain, Log milte hain, Pathzad mein jo phool murzha jaate hain who baharon ke aane se khilte nahi…it perfectly suited Sadhna’s story. After her husband’s death life was never same for her but still she always smiled. Kuch log ek roz jo bichad jaate hain who hazaron ke aane se milte nahi…and yes Sadhna will never come back and perhaps I too should stop thinking about her. She has gone on an eternal journey where she will probably be the happiest. The next song came as a surprise – Mere Sapno ke raani kab aayegi tu....and I was moving my neck rhythmically with the song. I was least bothered if others were seeing me, after all music is to enjoy-set your mind free. I was smiling imagining Rajesh Khanna and the shy, dimply Sharmila Tagore. With this song playing I reached the train station. I thanked the Driver and stepped out. The train had already arrived on the platform and I rushed in before the doors closed. With the train whistling in the song I just couldn’t smile at the coincidence of being in a train with this song. I enjoyed it, loved it…felt like doing a jig like Rajesh Khanna but controlled. The next song was Hoga tumse pyara kaun humko toh tumse hain…another train song and I laughed. Noticed passengers looking at me but to save myself from embarrassment looked out of the door pane. It was beautiful outside. Drizzling, lush green mountains – the patch between Bath Spa and Bristol is amazingly beautiful. Kehte ho ke jaye lekin yeh batlao..jaye bhi toh jaye hum kahan..Beautiful sentence. I love this song more than the Chaiyya Chhaiya. Padmini Kolhapure and Rishi Kapoor’s love is so serene and pure. The next song and rather the last song as the station is approaching. I have to pick A from the nursery. I am excited to see her. Hanste Hanste kat jaye raste…jindagi yun hi chalti rahe…what a meaningful song again. This is life. Smiles and tears, Happiness and Sorrows are a part of life. A rose is beautiful with thorns, a life with happiness and sorrows is a life lived, after a tear comes the smiles, with darkness comes light, with life comes dreams and hopes. Whatever happens is bound to happen. It is better to leave it and move ahead. I didn’t leave Sadhna but I moved on. I had my rest of the day waiting for me. My daughter waiting for. I reach her nursery and the moment I see her…my baby smiles and crawls towards me…the song continued…hothon se bijli chamke jab, jab tu muskati hain, saare hasino se hasin tu ho jati hain…I packed her bag and off we were to our happy home….

R.I.P Sadhna – you will always be remembered as a woman who wore an innocent smile with a wounded heart….