Deep talks with my daughter

Hello Reader Friends, 

We all have (especially the female readers) share a very special bond with our mothers. This relationship is an evolving one and comes at par with the universal father-daughter camaraderie, which is blatantly endorsed with great pride. Interestingly, most of us girls become friends with our mothers when we experience motherhood as opposed to father-daughter bond. Physically, mentally, and emotionally, we daughters are so different than out fathers but yet they are our benchmark (largely). 

It is a generation thing that I do not have any such memory of sitting with my mother in childhood and discussing about my fights with my friends, issues at school, or in general my understanding of life. Who cared? She had chores to do and then life was not so complicated because we ignored. As a result, our generation never spoke about what we felt! Or we had mastered the art of ignorance. Sometimes ignorance is a bliss but not always. And our generation would agree their personal flaws, setbacks, issues owing to the kind of upbringing we had. It was a fantastic childhood, gadget free and 'less was more'. But  we could have a meaningful one. 

Coming to the point, yesterday I had a heartfelt discussion with my daughter. It has become necessary to have a conversation with her since we live in a nuclear family, and grandparents are a video call away. I am glad that we spoke and she shared her thoughts. My daughter is very opinionated and raises her concerns. I like that the most about her. But she easily gets disheartened when things do not go as per her expectations. I cannot say about others but she does have a certain temper. 

Temper: I explained to her that temper is acquired and not innate. When we were born, we were blessed with organs, blood, bones, feeling of hunger (baby cries when hungry), feeling of satisfaction (baby is quiet when fed), feeling of happiness (baby is happy when we blow raspberries). A newly born does not know anger. Then how do we get angry while we grow?  If we were not gifted then we should not allow that  feeling  of 'anger' to be a part of our system. She understood but I hope she remembers and implements it. Temper is bad and unnecessary. A person with temper will always be left alone. Why would someone spend time with him, no matter how rich, intelligent, he is!

Gratitude: We spoke of gratitude. While kids today have access to almost everything they want, and we as parents make sure to provide them beyond their needs. Our generation of kids got things way below our needs that is just the opposite! We also get angry and disappointed when we are not grateful. So rather than saying 'why I do not have this?' be grateful for 'whatever I have.' Then she replied, 'With this sort of feeling I will never become successful. She said if I will be happy with little success then I will stop working and I will not get more success'. She is correct. But then a lot of what we achieve in our life is due to discipline and consistency. We must first celebrate the little success, be grateful and work on it to make it a big success. She nodded, it appealed her. 

Stop pleasing: This happens a lot with children. While they are innocent and resilient but they are sensitive too. When all those differences with friends happen and they want to hold on to their friends, however wrong the friends are, the child tries to fit-in. The trait of pleasing creeps in. Though my daughter is known for her bluntness but she does see her other friends being popular because they can please others. I told her that it works for them but not for you. You should never please anyone just be in their friends list. You are what you are. Be humble, polite, nice and kind, but do not please anyone. 

It took me years to understand this, to learn to appreciate my gifts, and I am sharing that very early on with her. Eventually we all have our journeys but the learnings are important. There is a difference between journey in a Benz and a normal basic model second hand car. The good parents, who set a dialogue are like a Benz car. They will make the child's journey, a happy one. 

You only get experience when you do not get what you want - Randy Pausch. 

And sharing that experience is only right. 

At last, for all this 'gyaan', she hugged me and said, 'I love you Aai because you respect me, and understand me better.' We both slept well. 

Thanks!

Trupti

Compassion - not 'another' day

There are days and then there is one specific 'day' that stands out. 

For me 21st Feb was one such day, not 'another' day indeed. 

As a human being, I take pride and credit of showing compassion to known and unknown. 

My philosophy is : you never know the struggle(s) a person is going through, the least you can do is to be compassionate. 

Compassion : a not so small word with not so small meaning. This word is the crux of life. 

Picture credit: 

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/podcasts/item/happiness_break_meeting_suffering_with_compassion

Going back to pre-Covid times..in the 2018, I met Farida at an organic vegetable stall. Her head covered with a scarf, almost no eyebrows, and she looked pale. She asked me a couple of questions about the fruits and veggies, and bought a few. We introduced to each other and then left the place. A couple of days later we met again. I was accompanying my daughter while she was busy playing with her friends. 

Farida and I chatted and laughed. She was loving the sight of children playing, and rolling on the green grass. From our previous meeting, I knew she was undergoing treatment for a deadly disease. But seeing young life around lifted her mood. After this meeting we met once again and that was the last in the next 2-3 years to come due to Covid. We became friends on FB. I would seldom check on her health via messages. 

During Covid she visited Mumbai for her treatment and appointments but we did not meet. After 2018, we met on the 21st Feb 2023! She had gotten off from FB due to a sad event in her life. She did not want to socialize anymore! I had changed my phone number and she could not direct contact me. Finally she found me from her alternative FB account that she had not operated for years. 

We met over dinner. She wanted to meet Aadhya too. She hugged her and blessed her. It was so good to see her hair, and eyebrows that added beauty to her face. She did not look pale anymore. We chatted and chatted as though we knew each other from years. 

I have this ability of connecting with people. Sometimes it turns out to be good and mostly not so good. Looking at her efforts for finding me, I was touched. She thanked me for just treating her as a normal individual while others treated her differently due to the disease. Never ever has anyone taken efforts or gone that extra mile to make me feel special. But Farida did! I wish her the choicest of blessings. 

Certainly this day made me realize that you will be appreciated by the right person.

More than once, I have been in @#*t because of my over caring, and compassionate nature. It is clear that I can be fooled. But I am learning to be selective, I am learning to read people. I perhaps fail to come across as a strong confident female due to this soft side of mine. That is how I am! 

Some of them think I am mediocre and not so intelligent and can be taken for granted. To each its own.

People who judge others need to get life. They judge achievers, over achievers and under achievers. According to them they are God's perfect creation but without compassion. 

Cheers,

Trupti

PS: I forgot to click a picture with Farida. Sharing one from Google. 

Appreciation - significant but less practiced.

Hello Readers,

With grey hair, receding hairline, and a lot of other bodily changes that metabolically slow you down, this one ability of 'appreciation' has naturally come to me. I am sure my friends of my generation will agree with me. 

Gone are the days when I was care-free, and bursting with energy, those last minute plans after a hectic day at work were still possible. And now, if not the energy levels, it would be getting that homework done from your kid. Then I did not have to worry about secure future, health issues, paying loans. But now I do. 

It is now that I realize, I took my freedom for granted.  

If you have ever complained of curly hair and desperately wanted straight hair - then it is okay. But what is not okay is not appreciating that you have curly hair protecting you from going bald! 

A cancer patient undergoing chemotherapy knows the pain of losing hair. 

We often complain about not having that perfect dress, cycle, car, shoes, phone, and so on but we seldom appreciate what we have. We have so much to thank for. 

Appreciate time: Ask a senior citizen about the importance of time, and you will see his eyes twinkling thinking about some happy moments. At the same time, the twinkle transforms to sorrow, and regret for having lost all that time and having not much left. Every minute you spend watching that video, reading that post, chatting with someone, or any activity, remember that you are doing all of this at the expense of your time. Your time is precious. Appreciate it! Use it well. 

Appreciate opportunity: Lucky are those who have the opportunity. And unlucky are those who waste it. You are blessed to get an opportunity and make the most of it. When you work hard over that opportunity and succeed, that is appreciation. What you make of an opportunity lands you a second one. It is a chain reaction. This is something I have realized during the pandemic, when I was this close to an opportunity and it did not come to me. It did some but after a wait of 3 years. 

Appreciate yourself: We all have grown in different family set ups with different set of challenges. This defines us, and hence we all are different. Your journey to where you are right now is an achievement. Give some credit to yourself, pat your back! We often brutally self-judge ourselves. A little appreciation does wonders. Try it and see find a new you. 

Appreciate others: This is one quality that makes you human. When you appreciate others, you inculcate confidence in them. The positivity in their smile, and the happiness in their eyes after your appreciation removes the negativity. Again it is a chain reaction. Someone appreciates you, you appreciate the next someone. 

Appreciate your loved ones: These are your folks. Your friends and families who are with you through thick and thin. Appreciate their love and kindness. Be thankful that you have them. Life is happy only because of loved ones. These are your shock absorbers through the bumpy journey of life. 

Saying Thank-you and Sorry and meaning it while saying is an expression of appreciation; some one helps you, you thank. You hurt someone, you say sorry. Look into their eyes and say like you mean it. Believe me, simple things like this solve the biggest problems. 

Appreciate nature around you. Take out time to observe the scenery, the birds and trees, and everything around you. The air that you breathe will never be the same again. Being able to do so is a boon. 

Only when you live in the present, you will appreciate. Let it be your virtue. Let you be known as someone who appreciates. People will feel good around you, and you will be surrounded with positive vibes. 

So start appreciating from this very moment. 

However difficult life is, there is always something to appreciate. 

When you look at the positive, you ignore the negative, and nobody likes that! Certainly 'negative-ness' will go away. 

I appreciate your time for reading this. 

Thanks, 

Trupti

Retrospection.

                It took me some 7 years to revisit my blog. The prime reason for this revisit is one of my resolutions of getting back to writing. This writing is 'free', and 'unbound'. At the same time, I want the readers to relate with me, and learn something along with me. I promise not to disappoint you. There comes a time in our life where we reflect on our decisions, friends, achievements, and everything that we have lived through. If this happens to you often then things are about to change. I got into this mode of reflection some three years ago, and I see my life changing at a slow pace. Now I am working on my 'other me', and I see a big difference. 

Questions like: Where am I in my life now? Did I vision myself like this? Can I change my position?  What could I have done differently then? And what must I do now?

               Until my PhD I was a different person, one who believed in improvising everyday. I was regarded as one of the hard working PhD scholar in my department. There were issues like changing department, working without the stipend for three years but I did not quit; thanks to my parents. Finally, I submitted my thesis in 2012. Years of working under stressful conditions had totally changed my perspective towards life. I doubt if I really had one! I wanted a break after thesis submission. Then Aadhya entered in my life. I started growing as a mother but stopped growing in the other dimension. I was a post-doc fellow at University of Bath from 2013 - 2016. When Aadhya was 4.5 months old, I took up the position. So I was again working under stress, fighting against he guilt of leaving my little one at a day care, extracting milk in a secluded room in my department, the hormones astray, and exhausted all the time! Yet I worked but that could not translate as expected. Why? 

                Okay, so this happens with mostly all new mothers. But what I realize now is that I did not have a plan before signing up for motherhood and post-doc. If I had one, things would have been different. I had a strong will for PhD, and I worked really hard towards it. After graduating in 2012 and  until 2019, i.e. for 7 years I was doing things because I got them, not because I had planned for them. But Aadhya remains my best and choicest blessings from the Universe. But I forgot the other aspect of my personality apart from being a mother. I forgot to nourish that other dimension of mine simply because I had no plan whatsoever. 

                A humble request to mothers and ladies who are not mothers/single - do not forget to nurture that other you who dwells within you. Take out time and keep doing things that will 'better' you, develop you. Ultimately you become what you think. Let us not restrict to a gender, or a role, but to an individual, female or male. We all have that other part of us that helps us navigate through our life while we are playing a role of mother, father, daughter, son, wife, husband, and so on. 

              Let that other you be engaged. Basically that other you will define the kind of life you will live. Always have the reins of your life in your hands. Be disciplined, and never stop working on yourself. 

If you ask me what describes me best? - Mother or a Professional? My answer will be - mother. I take immense pride in being a Mother. 

               We all spend so much time proving ourselves in a particular role that we forget to 'other I or other me'. The end result is we are unhappy. And no one else can make you happy but yourself. It is rightly said that the solution to your problem is within you. Nobody knows you better so nobody can make you feel better. 

Hereafter, I will share my experiences, my thoughts on books that helped me grow, my workouts that made a difference, and many interesting anecdotes that are constantly changing me. 

I have subscribed for life-long learning. Are you?

Thanks,

Trupti